I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
