I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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