If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
false alarm, still single
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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