I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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