good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
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Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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