i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
