The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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