"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
