i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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