Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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