Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
