I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
