i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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