Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
