The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
