She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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