Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
