Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How external is "for external use only"?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
