If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
