I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
