I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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