i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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