Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
