So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
