I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
