I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
