She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
