You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
