He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
