Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.