I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Are my feet made of real feet?
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.