Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
