I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
