xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
