yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
