i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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