Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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