Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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