What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
