i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
