i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
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I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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