Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
