I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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