After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
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Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé