oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.