she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
