My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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