remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Floor bacon is actually really good
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
