I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do vagina's smell?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
