I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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