I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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