We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i think i have two assholes
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
