you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
