Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
