I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
