ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
