I hope mine doesn't look like that
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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