when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
