im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
